You Were Always There
by SpellboundWinter
Summary: <html><head></head>You were here one minute and the next you were gone. It's like I blinked and it happened so fast. I never got over it. I never stopped thinking of who we were then. What we were. How we used to be. It continued to haunt me like some sort of specter. KevinxLizzy.</html>


**KevinxLizzy. **

**I'm planning on this to have two parts.**

* * *

><p>You were here one minute… And the next you were gone.<p>

It's like I blinked. And it happened so fast, I never got over it. I never stopped thinking of him. Who we were then. What we were. How we used to be.

Everything.

It continued to haunt me like some sort of specter. It was memories. Unwanted memories- No, not unwanted… I just want to forget it all. Like it was all just a bad dream…

I'll never be close to anyone again.

So sometimes when that memory haunts me, I can't help but stop in my tracks and think back to that night, with me and him on matching bar chairs, with me yelling out his name wondering if he thought if I was always that obnoxious.

I wonder if he remembers it as the last time I said his full name... because I do.

I always do.

"Kev! Kevin! Stoley! Stool! Hey, stool sample!" I hollered at Kevin, poking his cheek. The man who sat on the stool beside me wasn't too impressed. His cheeks were squishy, even for being thin as a rail. "Stool softener! Hey! Kev!"

Kevin poured a bit of the amber liquid from the can into a glass. He was so fussy. He could just drink beer out of a can but no, he said it tasted better in a glass. Last time I checked beer was cheap and not some kind of pungent, rare wine. "Refer to me as Han and I might answer you."

"Fine." I gave a loud huff and rolled my eyes. I groaned out, "…Han Solo."

Kevin or, I mean Han Solo… gave me of those smartass grins. The kind where he would sit there and be master of the universe. "See that wasn't so hard, was it?"

I shoved him roughly in an attempt to wipe that look off his face. God, he was so annoying. "Why do I have to call you Han Solo, fudge packer?"

"Because you're my Chewbacca. My faithful and loyal companion."

"Who said we're friends or even companions?" I crossed my arms, peering down at my Shirley Temple with a pout. Sugary sweet. Pink. Just like me. "I'll hop to someone else when something better comes along. You know that right?"

He didn't give me the attention I wanted as he made a noise. A sort of hum, drinking a bit of what was left in the glass.

"I mean, you're such a weirdo! I bet you're the type that beats it over his figurines." I made an obscene gesture with my hands.

"I would never defile my collection." Again, he was being smug.

His beer went right up his nose as I tangled an arm around his neck, yanking him close. "Defile your collection? That's a lie. You play with your toys all the time! I've seen your fan fiction and your comics. You defile them in more ways than one."

"Figurines." He glared at me like it was a secret or something. He was always wearing those Spock ears around the house. He got caught at the stupid game design place with them on too. He can't anymore of a fool of himself. "Anyways, if you're just trying to get back at me because we can't hang out, I told you I needed to get those designs done."

"But can't you do them next week? You know weekends are the nights we hang out."

He just gave that same ol' grin as he downed the rest of his 'aromatic' beer. "Sorry, Liz." Clearing his throat, he paid for both our drinks and Skeeter carefully counted each bill.

Skeeter always made an offhand comment about Kevin being Asian and how they were shifty. It was no different tonight. I could hear him mutter something but I ignored it, following after the lanky noirette to the door.

As soon as the cold air hit me, I was freezing. Such a cold night. It was one of those nights where you thought it wasn't even possible for it to be this cold. I tightened the strings of my parka as much as possible, hiding my face.

I remember, that night the snowflakes fell from the sky like little atom bombs. It wasn't graceful or serene, no... It was piling up into large mounds. No doubt the snow plows would have been out.

Kevin and I gave each other a look. The kind after an awkward date. I fidgeted with my hands in my pockets. Kevin's breaths were leaving his lips in tiny puffs.

Neither of us could place the words to say. My mind got muddled whenever I was around him.

"It's kinda cold, do you want a ride?"

I gave a small smile, brushing him off. "You Asian drivers are all the same. I'll take my chances walking. See you later, Han Solo."

Before I could turn around, Kevin yanked me back. "Hey, what gives?" I spat.

"Hey," He shuffled out of his jacket. The one that was something Star War-sy and stupid. He handed it to me and I gave him a questioning look. "Take this. I wouldn't want you to turn into a Popsicle. It's colder than Hoth out here."

It was no different from the other ones. He wore his fandom like a badge. I slid it over my parka, feeling comforted by his smell. "…Thanks Kev."

It was supposed to be like any other Friday night.

"You're welcome. See ya, Chewie." And with that he opened the door to his own millennium falcon, disappearing inside.

Chewie. My own special nickname. He even got me a keychain at the end out my house key with the furry beast on it. Chewbacca, who wants to be one of those things anyways?

I gave a fleeting look back to see his car take off in the opposite direction, towards the nicer side of town while I continued towards the railroad tracks…

And across the tracks was South Park's very own trailer park. Passed the snow blocking my vision I could see my little compact trailer that was lined with the rest of them. I'm poor. Scum. I know it.

I fished my keys out of my pocket, nearly tripping over the fire pit that was buried outside in fluffy snow. With a twist of the lock I was inside. I had my very own convertible table and bed. Classy. I threw myself onto the ratty mattress. No energy to take off my soaked sneakers or slip off the two layers of jackets.

Part of me was throwing a tantrum. I wanted to see Kevin. We always shared weekends together… Every single weekend since high school. It wasn't exactly what I wanted.

But, seems like everyone wants a piece of Kevin.

I wanted him all to myself. I kinda like that nerdy loser.

I found myself in a deep sleep. It was a good sleep I've been missing in a few months. Then, I was so rudely interrupted by the annoying sound of my ringtone.

For the past fifteen minutes it had rung in my ears. I tried to ignore the ringing the best I could until my patience drained and I was pissed. Mega pissed. I grasped the shitty flip phone out of my pocket and into my hands.

I thought it was Kevin saying he got his work done and the weekend was free again.

…But it wasn't.

Flipping my phone up, I was greeted with hundreds if not thousands of calls and texts from Clyde. At first it didn't worry me. Clyde had probably gotten drunk again and decided I was the perfect girl to call and cry to about his tiny dick and his big problems. It was completely normal.

My phone blared again and I was ready to tell that fatass off. I was going to tell Clyde that I wasn't the girl to drunken text or call or whatever. I would make him understand that.

When I answered it and I could hear him, sobbing and hiccupping, nothing out of the ordinary.

"Clyde, what the hell are you doing calling me again? I thought I made myself perfectly fucking clear the last time, butt-breath."

"L-Lizzy, I-I finally got a hold of you. I-I, oh god- something-"

"Quit drunk texting me Clyde, it isn't funny. Nobody wants a scumbag like you. Nobody wants a tiny dick. Stop calling me." I reiterated to that dumb fuck.

"Lizz-Lizzy! Pl-please, listen to me." He continued to sob and sputter. "…K-Kevin… h-he-"

I spat angrily. Was Kevin hanging out with Clyde? Did he lie to me? "He's what?"

"He's dead…"

What? I couldn't keep up with what he was saying. It was one big blur of babbling and sobbing. I couldn't make out anything else.

I could feel my heart jump and my throat tighten. My mouth went dry and my stomach dropped. It was awful. "Stop joking around. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"He g-got in a car accident. I-I got called over there because they wanted some fire fighters to clean a-and he slipped off the road and into a ditch. He hit a tree an-and…" he stammered. "He wa-was in pieces."

I pulled the phone from my ear and glanced down to it. H-he couldn't be dead, I kept telling myself that Kevin's way to careful and anal about everything. It's nothing! It's probably another joke or prank. I mean, Kevin didn't play pranks but... I'm sure that's what it was.

It had to be.

I hung up on him and dialed Kevin's number. It was ring after ring and by that time my heart was hammering in my ears. I could barely hear each ring. That was, until I heard his voice, "Hey," My face brightened as my fears started to ease.

"Oh god, Kevin! You're alright!"

He was okay! He was-

"Solo isn't here right now. Probably doing work… or blowing up the Death Star. And if this is Clyde stop trying to call me… And if this is Chewie, I'll get back to you."

Maybe… he was busy. Yeah. I hung up and called again and again… hearing the same message over and over.

"...And if this is Chewie, I'll get back to you."

I clasped my phone shut and I started towards the door. I opened the door and I stumbled out in the snow. I was going to see if he was alright. There was still a chance. He wasn't dead until I saw him. And if this was a joke I would make sure he was dead!

I took off in the snow, tripping right over that fire pit and onto my face. I wasn't going to let that stop me. I continued off, running as fast as my legs could take me without skidding off into the snow.

Before I knew it, I had passed Skeeter's bar. A tow truck sped by me, throwing snow in my direction. I noticed the car right away. It was Kevin's for sure. The front was… completely smashed in the front and the hood was stained red-

No, no! It wasn't his. I mean, it couldn't have been. He would be alright.

I took off further and further, my lungs aching as the cold air filled them.

I saw red and blue. Fire trucks and police cars. I kept running towards the scene. Past barricades and to where the guard rails were broken. A fireman grabbed me up in his arms. I knew his face… It was- it was Clyde. He restricted me from going any farther. "L-Lizzy, go home. D-don't be stupid-"

"Where the fuck is he?!" I shrieked. "Where's Kevin?!"

Clyde's mouth opened but nothing came out. It angered me he wasn't telling me anything. He just gaped like a fucking fish. I banged my fists on his chest, growling. "He's alright isn't he? Tell me he's alright!"

He was quiet for a long time. Clyde looked down to me and muttered something:

"…Sorry."

It was one simple word. One that caused me so much pain that it was almost worse than dying. I didn't realize it as first as my vision blurred and a loud whimper left my lips. "Y-you're lying, you... fucking f-fatass," I buried my face in his burlap-like coat. "That's a lie. You're lying."

My worst fear had come true.

Clyde just gave me that look, he was still crying. His lip trembling and his eyes red.

I hid my face back in his coat, choking on little sobs that I refused to leave my throat. "I-I knew that Asians couldn't drive."

The next thing I knew, two arms entangled me close. Protectively. But I didn't want that. I didn't want sympathy, from Clyde either.

I wanted Kevin.

I wanted my Han Solo.

He was always there and in a blink of an eye, he was gone.

The casket was a closed one. No surprise. From what Clyde says it… it was too messy. I didn't even get a chance to see him again.

After the… the funeral, well, I wasn't the same. I was filled with this feeling I couldn't place. I was almost hateful, spiteful.

Everything that Kevin ever gave me. The toy- ...figurines of Chewie, all the gifts, even his clothes that I borrowed, I took them outside and I burned them in that little fire pit.

I thought if I made all the things that reminded me of him go away… so would he. Every photo, every fucking scrap, I made sure it was destroyed beyond repair.

I even gave the Chewbacca key chain and the jacket he gave me a look before tossing it in the fire pit as well, stirring the ashes with a stick.

All of Kevin's things went up in smoke.

But it didn't help me get better. I didn't feel any better.

Why couldn't it have been me? I could come back and everything would be okay. If only we could trade places. Like some kind of melodrama. My immortality for his life.

Life doesn't work that way… I don't expect it to either.

Everything I ever cherished was taken away from me and now Kevin too…

And there were so many things I've always wanted to tell him. There was so much I could have said but I never did. I wasn't strong enough to tell him. He was always there. I always thought there would have been more time. I thought there could have been more time to tell him all these things. Things that I was just too stubborn to say. Things that I beat up myself for everyday.

And to top it off… All these memories are bubbling up inside me. I couldn't destroy memories. I had to bear each one… over and over and over.

Staying over at his house. The feel of his bumpy couch. The smell of his cheap cologne. The games he would play. The Star Wars posters on his wall. Even catching him playing with his toy- ...figurines.

The way he would smile and the sound of his voice…

I could never go where he was. I would never see him in this life or the next.

I would never see Han Solo again.

And what's a Chewbacca without her faithful companion?

Nothing. She's nothing.

One month of anger. One month of lonely weekends. One month without Kevin… and I still thought of him, I wasn't over him.

I made my way with Tammy, Rebecca and Henrietta somewhere. I dunno. They wanted me to be happy… I couldn't… or wouldn't. Kevin wasn't here to make me happy. I was too busy staring at the sidewalk, stepping on cracks angrily.

Then I heard something:

"Hey, Chewie… What are you doing lagging behind?"

I looked up. Was it… it was Kevin? It sounded like him. His voice. Maybe it was one big elaborate joke. Maybe he would be standing there with that stupid look on his face, ready to tell me how much of an idiot I've been. Maybe how much he's missed me too.

Kevin… it had to be him.

But when I looked up I saw that Tammy was smiling back at me.

And then, something bubbled up inside of me. The next thing I knew I was standing over Tammy. My knuckles were aching and my body was shaking in rage. I could hear the shouts from Henrietta as she lopped her arms around my waist and tugged me away. I was writhing and screeching, "What did you call me?!"

Tammy brought a hand to her face. It was as if her nose was Pompeii as it erupted with blood. Sliding down and all around her hands. Tears pricked her eyes as she started to openly sob. Rebecca ushered the woman to her feet. Her noise was nearly broken.

I lunged again in Henrietta's grip. "You called me Chewie didn't you?!"

"I-I didn't say anything!" she cried out holding her nose.

Rebecca made a meek gasp as she gathered her sweater up and tried to help her wipe away all that red. "Tammy d-d-didn't say anything!"

I made another move, slipping out of Henrietta's grip just for her to grab me again. I wanted to call them both out. I was never that angry in my entire life. I had no idea what came over me.

"Don't you ever call me that again," I gritted my teeth, growling out. "You hear me? I don't even want you to breathe that name around me."

"I-I won't." Tammy stammered loudly, holding her newly swollen nose. "I won't!"

I jerked out of Henrietta's grip and I started to walk. Where? I don't know. I stomped away from my so-called friends and made my way into a small alleyway. It wasn't cozy. It didn't look safe. I grabbed my phone and called the familiar number.

"Hey Kevin…"

"Hey, Solo isn't here right now. Probably doing work… or blowing up the Death Star. And if this is Clyde stop trying to call me… And if this is Chewie, I'll get back to you."

A beep resonated and I felt myself start to giggle. My giggles turned into desperate sobs. "You'll never answer m-me," I wiped my eyes furiously, trying to hold back all the tears. "…And my name isn't Chewie. It's Lizzy..."

You were here one minute… And the next you were gone.

It's like I blinked. And it happened so fast, I never got over it. I never stopped thinking of him. Who we were then. What we were. How we used to be.

Everything.

It continued to haunt me like some sort of specter. It was memories. Unwanted memories- No, not unwanted… I just want to forget it all. Like it was all just a bad dream…

I'll never be close to anyone again.

"My name is Lizzy."


End file.
